Amy Gets a CPAP Machine

Well, it's been a good two months since I've blogged yet again - I think it's time to rename it "Once a Month Blog" or "Just When Amy Feels Like Writing So Don't Get Your Hopes Up For Frequent Updates".

So, I promised to write about the results of my sleep study - the CPAP-ness and such. It was kind of sad what ended up happening; I got my results and talked to my doctor and I woke up 34 times during the sleep test. 34. And I never even GOT below stage 3 sleep. Ridiculous.

As you can guess, that meant it was time to get a CPAP machine. I got mine from Praxair - a home medical supply place. It's a rent to own type deal with our insurance, so I pretty much got my own unit right off. I met my Praxair representative, who explained how to use my CPAP machine and such, and then proceeded to do a mask fitting to see which one would work best. I ended up going home with this new gel-type one and was pretty happy with it, from what I could tell.

Man was it a whole different world when I tried to use it.

I'm going to ask you to imagine with me again - are you with me yet? Okay, so imagine you're putting on a snorkel mask, but just the nose part. It is literally eating your face and feels HUGE. It presses against your upper lip area because you're wearing a mouth guard because you not only have a blocked airway in your sleep, you grind your teeth. As if one sleep problem wasn't enough.

A snorkel mask is a pretty good comparison not only because of where it sits, but if you have a humidifier attached to your CPAP machine and have it set too high, it feels like you're drowning. If you have it set too low, though, it congests you like crazy.

Also, getting situated is a bit ridiculous - mostly because the hose pushes into the edge of your pillow, pushing the mask into your face. They actually have CPAP pillows that have a hole cut out of the side right where the hose sits, so you don't have that problem. I'm thinking I'm just going to cut a hole out of my pillow. I'll let you know how that one goes.

The best part about a CPAP mask is that you have to get it at just the right pressure - if it's too loose, it leaks and you don't have the right pressure for it to work. If it's too tight, it feels like you're losing all circulation to your face. Yes, that's totally sarcasm.

Okay, so after a week or so of using the new gel mask it was driving me crazy, so I went in and got it switched out for a smaller, older model. The problem with the fitting concept is that the situation of sitting in a chair, testing out masks is not true to how you're actually going to use it; unless people sleep sitting completely upright, which I guess my friend's mom does sometimes (with her CPAP- and now I understand why).

I want to try the nose and mouth covering masks, but the 30-day trial period is up and the insurance won't let me get a new mask for 2 more months. In the meantime, I'm trying to get comfortable in my bed and after an hour I pretty much end up tearing it off in frustration and getting the sleep I can with it off. Why did it work just fine for a month or so and now I can't sleep with it on? I have no idea.

Picture with me wearing the CPAP to come...if I don't destroy it first.

Amy Does a Sleep Study

I was thinking about all the books we read to kids to introduce them to things like Kindergarten and the doctor's office and the dentist. Mostly I remember Mercer Mayer's Little Critter books that told me about his adventures getting a new sibling or being babysat.

Before I went to a sleep clinic to get a sleep study, I thought, "This would be a perfect kids' book. Except that kids don't do sleep studies, really. (Although I learned later, looking up pictures for this post that kids DO do sleep studies. This would be an awesome children's book!) But I'm kind of anxious to see what's going to happen and wish this was a topic covered in those Little Critter books."

So I'm now going to share with you my experience, because I've always wondered what it would be like.

I came through the door about 8:45 p.m. or so, showed them my copious amounts of paperwork (that's covered in Amy Prepares for a Sleep Study. It's five volumes.), my insurance card and my driver's license. I paid my copay, which was ridiculously low compared to some people's - yes, I peeked at the check-in list - and then the tech walked me back to my room.

It was kind of like a hotel room, except there weren't any windows, and the bathroom was a lot bigger than any I'd ever seen at a hotel/motel. Oh, and there was a camera and microphone. I sat down on the bed, took the pre-study questionnaire (Have you had any caffeine today? Was your day especially stressful? Did you take any naps?) filled out the waiver form (saying things like "You can't sue us for the water-soluble glue we're going to be putting in your hair") and got ready for bed.

I left my door open, as instructed, and was greeted by the tech a few minutes later. In between this I read my scriptures, some of my book and watched a little Castle. She came in to put all the sensors and wires on me that would monitor my sleep.

I want you to imagine a robot.



Now, I want you to imagine opening up that robot. Just slitting him open like a tin can - see all those wires?



Now pull them out of the robot and attach them to various parts of a human.



I seriously had at LEAST 50 wires, coming out of places like my shins to monitor leg movement; my head to monitor brain waves, eye movement and jaw clenching; and my chest to monitor my heart rate. Now, add two straps (like belts, only made of nylon with those snaps you have on a fanny pack) to my chest and stomach to monitor breathing. A pulse monitor went on my finger, as well.

Also, there was this oxygen-tube-like thing that went into my nose to let them know if my breath was coming from my nose or mouth. Except it was pointy. And in my nose all night long. Along with having that, one of the best parts was having my head marked on with pen to see where the head sensors were going to go - she was not all that gentle with her marking and I think I still have the grooves embedded in my skull.

Then it was time for the mask fitting, in case they decided my oxygen levels were too low and I needed to use a CPAP machine to get into deeper sleep. That wasn't too bad, actually. Except for the fact that I had to put it on over all my other crap.

After this arduous task of 45 minutes, she asked if I was ready for bed. I was getting sleepy, and although it usually took me a good hour or two to get to sleep (even with working out and not taking any naps and such) and I hadn't been that early to bed in a long while (it was 10), I decided that that's what I was there for and said sure.

Before we could say goodnight, my tech had to make sure all of the monitors were working, so she had me lie on my back, then had me look to the right and left with my eyes, sit up, stick my tongue out, make three loud snoring noises, and various other exercises I don't remember. Then she told me I could get into any position I wanted and go to sleep.

Oh, yeah. Like that was going to happen.

You know how dogs look on a leash, tied up in the front yard? That's how I felt. I felt compassion for those dogs. And leash kids.

I'm a tosser at night, so every time I would turn over in bed the straps would get stuck on my pajamas and I'd have to figure out how to pull my pajamas straight without moving the straps. The pulse sensor finger thingie was also a problem. It seemed the wire was just barely too short to reach positions I wanted to be in. Oh the cruelty.

Also, it was a balmy 65 degrees in the room - freezing, even in my nice thick jammies. My tech gave me one tiny blanket and told me if I needed more to knock on the headboard. Odd instructions, but I guess they could hear me and help me that way. By the end of the first hour or so (although I had no concept of time because they didn't have kind of night-vision clock in the room) I was turning into an icicle and after hemming and hawing a bit in my mind, I knocked on my headboard. My new tech opened the door and asked what I needed. I said a blanket, and I was going to ask for my socks in my backpack at the foot of the bed, but figured the extra blanket would help.

Not so- my feet were still freezing a good 20 minutes later.

Not wanting to bother my tech again, I thought that even with all my wires, I could probably reach my backpack and get my socks without bothering him. I guess I forgot he was watching my every move - he came in about 30 seconds after I got out of bed, asking if I needed any help, since he'd seen me sit up. I was stretched out like a dog at the end of his rope, performing a probably humorous ballet, straining to reach my backpack and the coveted socks. He chuckled a little, put the bag on my bed, and left again, saying that he was just outside if I needed anything else.

I was glad I didn't have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I feel bad for people with bladder problems who have sleep studies.

About 30 minutes after I fell asleep, to my reckoning (my results said later I woke up 34 times), my tech was there, waking me up with all the cheeriness of a morning person. I groggily said good morning, happily was liberated from my wires (that dang nose sensor went first!) and was instructed to get ready for my day - the glue they used on my sensors was water soluble, after all, so I could take a shower to get rid of it - fill out a morning questionnaire, and have a complimentary breakfast at Kneader's.

It took a good 20 minutes to get all of the glue out of my hair alone, all the while trying to stay in the warm spray of the shower, considering the room and bathroom were still FREEZING. Even so, I was falling asleep.

I braided my hair, packed up my belongings, finished the questionnaire and was out of there. Although I rather horribilize it here, it wasn't so bad.

Especially since I got to go home and sleep a good eight hours.

Coming up next time: Amy Gets Her Sleep Study Results and Amy Gets a New CPAP Machine.

My hat's off to you, William Goldman

So, I just finished reading The Princess Bride by William Goldman. It's been one of my goals to read some of the classics that I've somehow missed over my past 23 years.

Might I just say - hilarious and fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I LOVED the pretending to skip over satirical, long, dull parts about the royalty picking their clothes and packing them and such, which was supposed to signify how ridiculous the upper classes are, but really would just be boring. Also, those chapters never actually existed, since the "original" book was by William Goldman. The whole facade was genius - I don't know if I could cut my writing enough to do that. Also, it's a story within a story - with enough detail to make your head spin.

However, even though it was fake, it made me think of some other books that would be thoroughly awesome if the boring parts were chopped out of them. Here is my list of ones that come to mind:

Crime and Punishment - really? It took her 10 pages to walk down the stairs?

Grapes of Wrath - I don't care if those intercaloric chapters had a deeper meaning, and the tortoise trying to get across the road signified the people struggling in his story - they were boring and unnecessary, in my opinion. I also don't believe that is a correct interpretation. Steinbeck was padding his novel for all he was worth, making the masses think his third-grade story about his pet was really deeply significant. Yeah, yeah, I might still be bitter for having to read it in 11th grade - if you have read it, you understand. Also, if you cut out those chapters, you lose nothing of the story. Maybe you lose the artistic depth, but that's it. Maybe.

Persuasion - now, I'm not dissing Jane Austen at all. All I'm saying is that there were some parts in this book that were snooze-fests. Cut out all the family tree stuff, please! We don't really need to know the history of the family to understand the idea that the father stunk and pedigree mattered to him. Besides that, I heart this book.

Now that I've thoroughly alienated the entire English academic community, I'll move on.

Actually, I lied. I want to talk about the movie The Princess Bride first.



I love when writers take actual dialogue from the book to use in the movie. If the author has a great line in there, why not use it? Thank you, William Goldman, for doing just that. Bless you. It was so fun to hear lines from the movie that I'd read in the book. The casting was also fabulous. Lots of no-name actors, except Mandy Patinkin - Becca has informed me, but marvelous acting nonetheless. Might I say near-perfect matching of the characters in the book to the movie? I just did.

Other random thoughts I'd like to share:

I made a thumb cake for Becca's birthday, like the one in an episode of the TV show Glee. It was mostly thought up by my mom, but mostly executed by me. I'll post a pic of it on here when I find the camera.

Micah is still hilarious. Lately, he's had a sarcastic laugh that I blame Calvin and Hobbes for: the classic "Har har". I can't help but laugh when he whips that one out. Also, he's let us know that the first commandment is not actually love God like you all thought, but, and I quote, "Have babies." Wow. Thanks Micah, for that information.

I'm actually kind of getting into a video game. I know! Hang me now. But I started playing around with Boom Blox, and although I've mostly given up on some parts, there are levels I've tried a good 20 times to do well in. I can't believe it, but it's true.

I still love Harry Potter. I used to read them all in order right before J.K. would put out another one, and now that I've missed a few summers, I've found they're still just as enjoyable.

A tribute to Brooklynn, Eck and Jack-Jack

It's time for a tribute to my sister Brooke, her husband Eric and their son Jack.



No - it's not their birthdays.

No - they didn't buy me a house or a Jaguar (mmm...Jaguars...).

No - they haven't died - but they might as well have - they're moving back East. Just joking! No, really - Steph! Keep reading this post! I promise my cheap shots on the East Coast are done.

It's just that they'll be so far away from me - and Brooke's having my first niece in December, too. I was going to dress her up in hats and bows and purses and bracelets...etc, etc. I know I totally still can spoil her(and believe me, I'm going to visit as often as I can and send packages and such) but it would be more convenient if they were still 30 minutes away. And I could do it more often. And I could be more sure that Brooke and Eric weren't unspoiling her - ruining all my marvelous Aunt Work.

I was helping them clean and pack a little Monday night, and when they left to say goodbye to a friend I sat in their living room, thinking about the good times we'd had there. Sleepovers, talks, movies, dinners, visiting Eric after he had knee surgery and was on pain meds, visiting Brooke after Jack was born, "Rosalinda" - Brooke's Spanish alter ego - coming out after she stayed up late, and sharing many many jokes.

We took a few road trips all together - one to Denver to see Wicked and one to California to play, play and play some more.

This post is gradually declining into a eulogy of sorts, which is creeping me out. Let me just say - yes, I'm sad they're going, but I hope they have so much fun and lots of cool experiences, and I'll keep on keepin' on for the next two years. It'll be over before I know it, probably.

I hope Jack remembers me - except there's that baby amnesia thing. Hmmm...maybe a package will have to include an Amy-mobile or something...

P.S. - I was thinking the other day about how the president of the US is really just like an student body officer at any school - they can promise all they want to put pop in the drinking fountains and have chiminichangas every day for lunch, but when they get into the position, they realize how little power they have and how things really work in their establishment. Without them.

And, yea, verily I thought about writing about my job...

...but when you work for the government, kind of - I'm a contractor, and get security clearance and have to go to a totally secured building with a siren flashing when you're in a room because you don't have top level security clearance, and take a quiz on what you can and cannot use and do when on an Air Force computer, even when it's unclassified, you get a bit paranoid.

I've probably said too much already.

Actually, all I do is lay out and do some editing for CrossTalk, a Department of Defense software engineering magazine, and we really don't even have to be on base, except for the fact that it helps us to be closer to our editorial board.

But I shouldn't complain - it's just a different world there and I guess I'll get used to it. I hope I will. I might not have time because my job is temporary, which might possibly translate to full time. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

For deciding to not write about my job, I sure am saying a lot about it. Ah, well, life goes on.

In other news, it's time for me to get my life all balanced out again because I'll be working 9-hour days with every other Friday off - something that should be interesting.

What else is interesting is sociology in real life - work dynamics with all new coworkers, journalists versus engineers, new jokes about jump drives, and a tenuous relationship with people I might not be working with six weeks from now.

Life is fascinating, no?

Very Merry Unbirthday

Sometimes I think Brandon wants to get back at me for being his editor on Scroll for a good two years - which is fine by me. It was so worth it.

He's been getting on me to blog, like I haven't blogged in the last couple of months...oh, wait. I haven't. I'm done with the guilt associated with that - I'm just going to blog now.

I've been gone on vacation to California and Seattle, so when I got back, I thought it was time to have a summer par-te.

I had a couple of ideas for a theme, but ended up deciding on an Unbirthday theme - although I didn't realize I was planning it on a day that four of my friends had their actual birthdays. Caryn wondered if she could come, since it was actually her birthday...I said no, of course. ;)

I also decided that since it was everyone's unbirthday, except for those four, I'd invite everyone, whether I thought they were in the area or could come or not. It led to quite the interesting mix of my friends: family, high school, college, roommates, roommates' family - I had it all. I was surprised how many were able to come - both those who reserved on Facebook and those who didn't.

For some reason I didn't think it would be that big of an occasion, and so when I started to realize how many were coming, I started to panic and went into overkill mode - I made 62 cupcakes for this thing, blew up a good 18ish balloons with puzzle pieces inside and about 20 balloons beside that. I visited my family's house, the dollar store and Big Lots to get some supplies.

And then it was time - and I wasn't ready. Thank the heavens everyone else was almost as late as I was - although I did blow dry my hair and do my makeup while a couple of guests were decorating the house and some cupcakes.

I made some introductions and then we started playing - it was time for the card game spoons.



And then there were 5.



Whittled down to 4 - who will survive?



Elliot, Lisa and Tiffany battle for the number 1 and 2 spots.



Epic Battle Over the Spoons - Family Style



Lisa uses her age advantage over Tiffany to snag the title of Spoons Champion - and the spoon.



I called the next game we played "Because I Could" - I put puzzle pieces in balloons (which I wasn't sure I could) and had two different teams of boys and girls pop them and then put the puzzles together. It was great fun and fascinating to see how the teams worked together. Oh, and the puzzles were Care Bears and Power Rangers.



But, alas, someone cheated on the girl's team side and kept some of the boy's pieces, and the girl's team lost some of their pieces in a popped balloon, so we switched puzzles and did it again. The boys won and got to choose a prize from my crappy dollar store prizes - yes, that's what I called them.

It was time for white elephant gifts. There were some high high quality gifts in that circle - almost as high quality as my dollar store prizes. I personally won a Cindy Crawford exercise tape - I believe it's important to have at least one video in your collection that makes people do a double take. There were also some rock-awesome guitar glasses and a Cat in the Hat hat that switched hands a few times.




Here's what everyone ended up with.



The Grand Finale was decorating cupcakes, putting candles in them, lighting them up and singing happy unbirthday to ourselves.



Yes - we are just that amazing.

In other news, I've finally finished most of my Pay it Forward stuff and proceeded to give Deb her painted pistols with her name written on them, and a video entitled Cowboys.

She looks crazy awesome in this pic I took of her with her loot.



More Pay it Forward to come - someday soon...

Question about "He's Just Not That Into You"

So - I watched He's Just Not That Into You a few weeks ago and I was wondering about something.

You know how they talk about how girls tell each other stories - basically rumors - that help each other get along with their specific situation? And the main guy character says, "They are the exception, not the rule." For instance, one of the girls is having an affair (dumb dumb dumb) and her friend tells her she knows a man who left his wife to marry the girl he was having an affair with and they've been married for 30 years.

An old roommate told me a story once about her friend who chased a guy, rather than the other way around, and he married her. Is this one of those stories that's an exception? Because it's feeling like it is - unless it's one of those things some girls can get away with because they're gorgeous, which makes for maybe a few more exceptions than normal. Or is our society truly changing and women have more power in dating relationships than they used to and are breaking social norms left and right?

For most relationships I've seen, most of the chasing has to be mutual - although I have seen some relationships where it seems that one person gives up and allows themselves to be caught. But is this just a perception on my part or a reality? I really wonder how some relationships work.

These are the things I think about sometimes - weird.